I am one of those people where affirmation is my drug of choice.  I am addicted.  I am as Michael Card says “an affirmation junkie”.  If someone notices something I do or they compliment me in some way, I will often work day and night to please them.  The problem with realizing this is that you have to live it everyday continually realizing it and most often, I just don’t.  It slips my mind and I worry about how I can succeed in small endeavors pleasing people that really don’t matter while great big huge things go undone.  Sure, if I have a plan and put my mind to something, I usually succeed.  Often, though along the way I get depressed, feel lonely or plain foolish trying to make something work when I don’t have that affirmation.

So, as an affirmation junkie who is coming to terms with it himself, I thought I’d write a small five step how to live with AJS (Affirmation Junkie Syndrome) guide for the average affirmation junkie.

1. You cannot, will not, and could never hope to please everyone.

There is no way around it.  If you try, you’ll end up trying to be a chameleon socially, just another wallflower going with the flow, jumping on the bandwagon, whatever metaphor you want to use.  In this scenario, you ultimately give up your values and suffer silently while you see yourself and those you love destroyed while you run yourself to death trying to cater to them all.  Here you are just a puppet of the one who makes the loudest noise.  Don’t play that game because there will always be a louder voice.  Fame, wealth, a needy friend, even yourself at times will be enough to derail you.  Any strong wind will blow you where it will.

2. It’s not how many you please, it’s who you seek to please.

Obviously, the one with the loudest voice is not always right.  In secular culture, they would say “look out for number one”, but I have found that pleasing myself while it has it’s advantages just leaves me empty when I am through.  Since I believe in God and His Son who died to save me, scripture then tells me what I must do in Hebrews 11:6

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Faith in this respect is just that, to seek God earnestly believing He does want a relationship with you.  Seeking God is more than just opening up the Bible or going to church, it’s seeking a relationship with Him, trying to be like Him.  Study, devotionals, prayer, worship and servant-hood all have their places here.  If you were to try to get to know your next door neighbor how would you go about it?  With God it’s that simple too except He already knows you.

3. Priorities matter.

This fits hand in hand with the last two but I already named my first priority.  For me, God comes before family.  Family before ministry/calling.  Then everything else.  Here they all go together like an intricate puzzle where certain things have to be done first to make the rest of it fit together.  But if you are struggling with the first two statements, analyze priorities.  In your life, what comes first?  If you are still frustrated, here is where the battle takes place.  If you are an artist, you may have put your calling before your family.  Your family is maybe suffering if that is the case.  I’ve known many musicians who crave praise from those they perform for only to fail on the home front or with their friends.  I’ve known friends who craved just to be accepted by others but alienated their own family for the sake of that acceptance.  Priorities are the anchors in the seas of life.

4.  Simplify.

This is a hard issue.  Not because it is so hard to do, but because the affirmation junkie has too many projects they are undertaking for too many people.  They are jacks of all trades with a heart for serving and a world of people needing them to help them personally.  They are saving aluminum cans for a friend so they can cash them in, repairing the neighbor kid’s bike, lending money that should go to pay bills to acquaintances, and designing websites pro-bono for the local coffee shop while they scrape together money for their own coffee fix.  They are running everywhere and not getting anywhere.  They are undertaking projects that ultimately have no end in sight.  Ultimately, this will drive you to exhaustion.  You will succeed only in having people use you for nothing then spit you out when they are done with you.  See, while some of these are worthy pursuits, all of them at any one time will frustrate you and drive you to insanity.  Pick only one or two, and make known and end date for the altruistic behavior that you get caught up in so easily.  Altruism is not necessarily bad but limit yourself to what you can do and do well without killing yourself in the process. “No” is a powerful word.

5. Realize your own worth.

It’s easy to be taken for granted if you don’t think you are worth anything.  Affirmation junkies fall prey because they often put their own self worth on what other people think of them.  Well, surround yourself with a family that really loves you and you will still seek it from more than them.  They call it “junkie” for a reason.  These family and friends, people who love you really are enough.  You don’t need to do a bunch of things to seek the attention from people who after you do something for them, just want more from you.  Follow rule number four and only take on what you can do within your limits.  Be accountable to your family.  Tell them you need them to help you define whether this new project is beyond your means emotionally to deal with.  If they say no, then honor them by not taking it on, and be affirmed that way. 

There are probably a few more things that I could add but if you are battling “affirmation junkie” syndrome, then this will be enough to change your life from dealing with the associated burnout too common with people like me who have this as part of their own personality.  I am personally working on these myself, but if this helps you, let me know by commenting or affirming me through stumbling or linking to this post.