Note: This is a bit lengthy of a post, but if you click “read the rest of this entry” and scroll to the bottom, there is an audio version of it that you can listen to. ;)
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1 and 2
It’s all well and good to be transformed, no longer conformed to the pattern of this world, but how does this transformation of the mind happen? How do we get from here to there? I mean, I want to be at that place where I can test and approve what God’s will is. The good, pleasing, and perfect will that is talked about here in Romans. It’d be really useful in daily life to know exactly what is required of me by God.
What job should I take?
Should I marry her?
Should I start my own business?
Should I….
The big life questions. Oh, if I had God’s knowledge about what will be if I take a certain road…. then it would be easy. No, it won’t. Let me give you an example.
Sitting on the edge of having my own little one here, I am obviously thinking about fatherhood. What does it really mean to be a father? I know I had a great father growing up. He loved me, cared for me and spurred me on in my interests even if they were not his own. I had a better heavenly father though. A Father who redeemed me when I didn’t deserve it.
Sitting in the birthing suite listening to the heartbeat of my son who I will get to meet tomorrow morning, I am overwhelmed.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5
Becca is trying to get comfortable so she can sleep. I am not sure I’ll be able to. I am a bit excited. Listening to his heartbeat is calming, but makes it all the more surreal that I am sitting here in the birthing suite waiting on him to be here.
I am beginning to see what God feels for us. Even now, I know I would do anything for Aidan. How much more God would do/has done for us.
Some things I am feeling right now. Overwhelmed. Proud. Happy. Scared, but not fearful, creative, inspired and there is a bit of a melancholic atmosphere in my spirit. The music of Bebo Norman and like artists fits right now. I am not sure why.
Above all, I feel worshipful of a God who would bless us with this little one. Dang it, I am starting to cry listening to “Holy is the Lord” by Chris Tomlin.
The last cry of a drowning man sinking beneath the waves is always “help!” In vain he reaches for the air hoping that something will yet capture him and pull him to the surface.
My arms are weary. I can no longer keep myself afloat. My head sinks below the surface…
I feel like I am reaching now as if I could physically catch the air in my hand and pull it down with me. I know I am drowning. I know I am seeking, asking God, trying to ask people I think would be able to help. Two cars broken down, a baby on the way, and a job that barely pays the rent because hours were recently cut.
Reaching…
Maybe it’s the lie of our own vantage point that tells us that it’s pointless. Others are in the same predicament. Everyone is struggling. There is no lifeboat. Bailouts don’t work for us, because apparently we are not an essential part of society. Meanwhile we watch as the toy boats of the rich and famous get rescued from the churning of the waves against the financial rocks of our current situation. I struggle with verses in scripture that tell me not to worry, to set my mind on things above, that God is the provider of all our needs, that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose, and the words inspire hope. Burning hope.
My lungs are burning now….
We can’t make it much longer. Creditors are calling parents, and we’ve blocked every unknown caller that calls, because it’s hard to push forward when they are grabbing at your heels. We have a budget, but it was written last week for hours at work that no longer exist. Rewriting it is not an option because we are scraping at the bones now. This ship is going down. We already threw over the rest of the stores. I am looking for odd jobs, putting in more applications, watching the job boards like a starved animal for something… anything, ready to pounce. All the while a whisper stirs at the back of my brain that this is not what it’s supposed to be like.
My eyes go dark. The bubbles go up like smoke from incense where they gently plop against the surface of the water. Even as the last thought goes my head, it is “There is still time. Save me.”
I gurgle out the hope of my last prayer. “help…”
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been battling some of those hard questions about where God is leading me right now. I know where I am most passionate, and what I am called to do. Seeing what that means for us financially may be the issue that I am left dealing with.
Here’s the hardest thing that I’ve been working through lately.
How can I as a (soon to be) parent, say to my child “Do what God had called you to do.” when I am not currently doing that myself? I don’t think I can in any kind of honest way, communicate that more effectively than through my actions.
So, for me… it means hunting that out. Taking God at His word when He says. “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” in Deuteronomy 6:5
This is more than just something internal that we must recognize, it is a commissioning of purpose.
So, when I begin asking the questions “where is the money coming from to pay the water bill this month?” it’s not being unfaithful, it’s just a question of ‘am I being the best steward?’ or ‘am I where God wants me?’ and ‘how can I get there?’
This sign just seems to fit rather well with most churches.
Unfortunately, we need probably a few things thrown at us to wake us up and do what we don’t usually do. What we usually do isn’t what God has called us to do.
Throw something into the cage.
We look dead.
We look like we are asleep.
We are not doing what we should be doing.
